The Most Common Lie Told by Men: “I’m Fine”
In this month’s post:
Emotional suppression in men leads to stress, health issues, and strained relationships.
Saying “I’m fine” can mask serious mental health issues, increasing anxiety and depression risks.
Taking control means identifying and challenging negative thoughts to break limiting beliefs.
Modifying negative thoughts supports resilience and mental well-being.
Help is available through resources like Canada’s
9-8-8 Crisis Helpline.
“Movember,” formally known as November, is Men’s Health Month and now focuses on mental health more than ever. But why do we need a month focused on men’s mental health?
It’s simple: for many men, mental health can feel like forbidden territory.
Traditionally, men are encouraged to “tough it out” and conceal their emotions. Society tends to reinforce this early on—how many of us grew up hearing that “boys don’t cry”? This message is woven into playground culture, subtly teaching boys that vulnerability is a weakness.
However, suppressing complex emotions doesn’t make them disappear; it simply puts them in storage. Our bodies keep the score. Sometimes, stress manifests physically, causing aches and pains. Other times, buried feelings can simmer, leading to anger, turmoil, or sudden outbursts. While saying “I’m fine” might seem like the “strong” response, true strength and courage come from allowing vulnerability and exploring the emotional experience.
Processing emotions means acknowledging them, experiencing them, and releasing them.
When we release ourselves from the grip of distress, we emerge stronger. This process doesn’t make a man less masculine; it makes him more steadfast and resilient. Though this may go against societal expectations, allowing yourself to feel deeply is a step toward becoming more unshakable.
The reality is, your emotions might never bring you to tears—and that’s perfectly fine. But suppressing them isn’t fine. Avoiding emotions is a losing proposition because they don’t disappear. Without strategies to navigate and process negativity and emotional challenges, the consequences can be detrimental to relationships, fulfillment, and achievement.
Mental Health Statistics and Support
Anxiety and depression are prevalent among men, with 1 in 10 experiencing these challenges, but fewer than half are seeking help (ADAA.org). Talking about mental health might feel awkward, but the alternative—holding it all in—comes at a cost. Without addressing difficult feelings, anxiety and depression can take over and, in severe cases, lead to thoughts of suicide.
Did you know?
Suicide rates among men are roughly three times higher than among women.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth and young adults aged 15-34 (Statistics Canada).
If you’ve felt this way, help is available. Canadians can dial 9-8-8 for access to a 24/7, bilingual Crisis Helpline, which offers free, trauma-informed mental health and suicide support.
Taking the Driver’s Seat in Your Mind
Whether or not you’ve experienced intense stress or depression, everyone can learn strategies to take charge of their mental health and lead a more fulfilling life.
How Do You Shift from being a Passenger to being a Driver?
Shifting the way you think begins with developing your readiness for change. This means recognizing the need for change, planning your steps forward, and then taking action.
Everyone has mental health, just like we all have physical health. For most, physical health gets a lot more attention. But mental “reps” matter, too. You can shift unhealthy thought patterns and build emotional resilience with practice.
If I asked, “Would you benefit more from having more positive thoughts or fewer negative ones?” how would you respond?
Most people would say, “more positive thoughts.” But the answer is actually fewer negative ones. Negative thoughts are what hold us back and pull us into self-doubt or depression. Taking control of these narratives can help create a more balanced, even positive mindset.
Steps to Become a Driver:
1. Identify Persistent Negative Thoughts.
Which recurring thoughts add stress to your life? Which ones hold you back? Understanding the problem is the first step toward solving it.
2. Challenge Negative Thoughts.
Ask yourself, “Does this thought serve me?” and “What are the pros and cons of thinking this way?”
Sometimes, simply questioning a thought is enough. Other times, you might need to dig deeper.
You can consider, What is the underlying belief behind this thought? Where did it come from? Do I actually believe it?
For example, thoughts like “I am useless” might stem from past experiences in high-pressure environments where you felt inadequate. Does that really make you useless?
Pro tip: You don’t need to believe everything you think.
3. Look for Evidence to Counter the Negative Thought.
Think about times when you’ve succeeded. Small or big wins provide valuable counter-evidence, helping you shift your narrative and change your thinking and underlying beliefs.
4. Modify Your Thinking.
Once you’ve challenged a negative thought, replace it with a more constructive perspective or reframe the situation. Reframing a situation with authentic positivity, especially gratitude, creates lasting shifts in your mindset.
Gratitude has the added benefit of affecting our neurochemistry and physiology, helping solidify new, healthier thought patterns. (For more on this, check out my August blog post on “The Neuroscience Behind Gratitude and Resilience.”)
A Quote:
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.”
- Brené Brown
A Thought:
When it comes to mental health, most people are “passengers” and along for the ride. But we can all become “drivers” and take the wheel to navigate uncertainty, emotional distress, and negativity.
Theory in Practice
Recently, I had a period of intense productivity, followed by a brief slowdown. I found myself thinking, “I should still be busy,” “Why can’t I stay busy?” and “I’m not making progress.”
I challenged these thoughts because I knew they didn’t serve me. Underlying beliefs that support negativity often stem from external comparisons or previous experiences. When thoughts like this occurred, I reminded myself of the achievements and goals I’ve met.
My replacement thought: Stay on your path—persistence pays off.
With a quick reframe, I chose to look at the downtime as a much needed break to recharge my batteries (which it was) before diving back into the deep end with a full calendar.
This shift from negative to positive thinking has improved my mental health. When you make the shift, you naturally experience more optimism. The byproducts of cutting out negativity are neutral or positive thinking. While lows will still come, they don’t linger as long.
We all have the capacity to take charge of our mental health. Start by identifying your negative thoughts, challenging the beliefs behind them, and shifting to more constructive thinking for a healthier, more fulfilled life.
Gratefully,
Mike
References:
Canada, P. H. A. of. (2023, January 9). Government of Canada. Suicide in Canada: Key Statistics (infographic) - Canada.ca. https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/healthy-living/suicide-canada-key-statistics-infographic.html
Government of Canada, C. R. and T. C. (CRTC). (2023, November 30). 9-8-8 number for Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Support. CRTC. https://crtc.gc.ca/eng/phone/988.htm
Kennerley, H., Kirk, J., Westbrook, D. (2016). An Introduction to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, 3rd Edition. SAGE Publications.
Men’s Mental Health. Men’s Mental Health | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA. (n.d.). https://adaa.org/find-help/by-demographics/mens-mental-health
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.
